What I would say to my younger self: “I’m sorry no one told you”.

I’m sorry no one told you about intimate partner sexual abuse.

I’m sorry that when you asked in your teenage church group, “How do you know what’s considered going too far on a date?” everyone laughed.  The embarrassment kept you from finding the courage to ask someone else.

I’m sorry that no one told you how to look for the gentlemanly qualities in a man.

I’m sorry that even though you were raised in a loving family with Godly morals and integrity that no one showed you how to be strong enough to create that for yourself when your spouse would take you away from church.

I’m sorry that no one told you that it’s not okay for your husband to take you for rides on the interstate and make you take your clothes off and display yourself to truck drivers and other motorists.  I’m sorry you didn’t know you had a right to leave.

I’m sorry that people told you that as long as you’re married that whatever two people find pleasurable in their sex life is okay. It made you think that your husband was right, that you were being too rigid and needed to be more open-minded.  It wasn’t  true and deep inside it caused you long-lasting  internal conflict.  I’m sorry.

I’m sorry no one told you that you have a right to tell your husband no when he asks you to go to bed with his friends.  I’m sorry no one told you how to identify and understand when your “no” is being disrespected.  I’m sorry that no one explained that when people coax you into something you’ve already said no to (for example when they say, “come on,  come on, come on… come on … come on) that it does not mean that you’ve said yes. It simply means they refuse to hear your no and don’t respect you as an equal and that it’s their responsiblity  to take ownership of the blame.

I’m sorry that no one told you how much damage you do to your soul when you constantly tell yourself that you’re doing things you don’t want to do because you want your husband to love you and this is what it means to love him unconditionally. Rationalizing away your gut feelings led you down a dark and dangerous path and I’m sorry you had to travel it.

I’m sorry that no one told you that you have a right to and should refuse to ride in a car with your husband when he uses his speed to intimidate you, scare you and threaten your safety.  When he drives 100 miles an hour, weaving in and out of traffic and slams on the brakes only inches from the bumper of a semi-truck to show you how upset with you he is, he’s letting you know that he is in control, not you.  It’s not okay for him to act this way.

Refuse to get back in the car with him until he gets help with his anger and control issues.  You know how to drive and it’s okay to drive in a separate vehicle in order to keep yourself safe.

I’m sorry that no one told you that when he drives that way he’s conditioning you to let you know in ALL circumstances he’s in control, he’s in charge and that he could take your life; and if you don’t do what he wants he could end your life or at the very least harm you. Whether or not he actually said the words, this is the message he is sending and deep inside, your body and your brain remember that he is always a danger and you begin to avoid conflict with him, to submit to his requests because without realizing it, subconsciously you know it’s the only way to stay safe.

He did harm you emotionally and it wasn’t okay for him to act this way. I’m sorry no one made you see that he was abusing you.  It’s okay to leave.

I’m sorry that no one told you that a husband who makes you leave your toddler children at home alone in bed while he insists the two of you go for a drive in the middle of the night so he can make you show yourself and your naked body to truck drivers IS NOT A GOOD HUSBAND.

 
Aware
 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s